I absolutely love this song by Tim Mcgraw and Tracy Lawrence…its so true in my life. The words to the song. Everyone wants to pat you on the back on your way up the ladder. They want to shake your hand. I remember hearing this song driving out to the farm in the middle of nowhere that I had the privilege of growing up on. You could drive that last eight miles to the farm in rural Madison county as fast as you wanted because there was no one to stop you. I thought when I heard that song that I had those friends. My best friend of many years promised that we had been friends before politics and we would be afterwards. I had never as an adult, had a close friend like that. Amazing how something that wasn’t even important to someone before they met you became the end of your friendship, take credit for helping you up to the top. What’s the top of the mountain? Where is that? Was it when Kent was published in Focus on the Family Magazine? Was it when Senator Grassley took us to dinner? Was it when Steve King looked me in the eyes and told me we were going to be life long friends, yet he never called to check on me while Kent and I were going through all of this? Was it getting to decide which Presidential Candidate Kent would work for because they were all courting him?
The lyrics to the song summarized: this is where the rubber meets the road, somebody’s gonna drop everything, not stopping to think whats in it for me. They just show up with their big ole heart. Losing someone who meets all the words in this song is one of the hardest things in the world to do. And I don’t mean they left the universe. They decided the bandwagon stopped and they got off. And that’s okay, sometimes that’s just what has to happen.
It took me awhile to get over that scenario. Actually, it took me a long while to get over that scenario. It was a process that I am still working through. At first I just ran. Running is in my DNA, just ask my mom….sorry you can’t, shes running too fast. That was a bad joke, but it is my mo (method of operation) I’ve been wired to run. So that’s what I did. I ran from facing what I was going through. I ran from what I had caused. The way I ran was I escaped. I escaped into sin. Having a good time. Fulfilling my flesh anyway I could. I hurt everyone around me. I just had to get away from myself and the problems I had caused.
Running to sin made me realize although I thought I had broke those family curses my parents had passed on such as, I had overcome the divorce curse, the leaving curse, the curse of no woman wanting to be a mother in our family. I had kept my family together, I had mothered my six children, even home schooled them, I had stayed married to the father of my children no matter the cost. I thought I conquered life’s problems.
Oh boy, have I learned. I surrender. I can’t say I have surrendered all, but I am working towards that. I don’t want to do it on my own anymore. I want to do it God’s way. I want to give in. I want my kids to learn from my mistakes. I don’t want them to go through the heart aches I have had to go through to get through this life. I don’t want them to have to live through the regrets I have had.
I want to teach them to be the friend to the friendless, a friend to the one everyone thinks is not worth it.
There are those who have come along side of us. Most don’t know the pain and sin and just crap that has happened since Kent resigned. Just people who are following the spirit. To whom I am eternally grateful. Just as I was earlier today using the gift card someone donated to us for a local gas station, filling up my large SUV. I thanked God for using his money to fill my car up allowing me to take my baby to her tumbling class. I thanked him for allowing me to take her, for giving me the money to buy groceries and for acting on my behalf to receive the gas card.
Maybe I should, after pretty much staying home for the past 27 years go get a job. Getting a job would be entry level for me not paying much at all. It would cost me initially to buy clothes to wear to work. My wardrobe consists of jeans and jeans. That’s two pair. One clean and one dirty. It would also be expensive to drive to work no matter where I was to go as I am at least ten miles one way from anywhere I could work. I would have to leave my four, well actually just three kids to themselves for most days. Yes, my 15 year old goes to school, but this year it is only part time. Who would be there to pick him up at noon when he got out of school. Who would take him to school?
Then there are the two girls I home school full time. Yes, we could work school around my job, but who would keep an eye out for them while I was gone forty hours a week plus commuting. I just can’t see the logic in interrupting my kids lives more than they already are at this time. I am at peace living on what God provides for me. And if I end up losing everything so be it. I have to be here, home with my kids as a support for them. And a support for my hubby who I literally wait by the phone eagerly awaiting the notification of an email or a ring of the incoming call.
I’m here breaking up the fights with the kids, here to comfort the kids who miss their dad terribly. Here to comfort Kent’s mama who lost her husband 2 and a half years ago and depends on us to be here when shes hurting. I’m here for the numerous people who are trying to figure out the complicated western union system to send Kent money. I’m here for a couple of prisoners Kent has become acquainted with that need my help and I am their only outside source. For now I have to be here. Steadfast. Taking care of here….